I need a new set of wheels, at least new to me. My trusty "Isabel," cherry red '91 GMC X-Cab with 4WD, more than 200,000 miles on an original motor and no muffler, is on her final promenade. Besides, she really sucks at the pump.

I've never bought a used car from a dealer before. What an eye-opening adventure in frustration. After several months of unabashed guile and chicanery across the Metroplex, here's how I characterize my futile search through the voice of a fictitious used car salesman:

"After careful review of your credit history, we are delighted to offer you the outstanding opportunity to purchase a quality used vehicle and re-establish your bruised credit after divorce and bankruptcy. All of us here at Risk-All Motors know exactly how you feel because we've all been through both, some of us several times.

Let me fill you in on how, I mean where, we can take you. With a qualified co-signor, preferably a family member with very deep pockets, and a cash deposit in the amount of $4,500, delivered to us in a plain duffle bag in small, unmarked bills, we generously offer you 35 percent interest on your loan. At least for as long as you can manage to make the payments on your independent contractor income. And, if you agree to set it up as an automatic bank draft, we'll give you, FOR FREE, a cleaned toaster oven and a never-used electric toothbrush.